Sunday, August 22, 2010

Missing You

It's hard to miss you.  I get caught off-guard by it, in the most random of moments.  While I'm sitting in traffic, because for a long time that always seemed to be the best time to reach you. And now, we don't talk. 

Sometimes, it's hard to wish that you had a relationship with someone that you might never have.  Sisters.  A rainbow of relationships resides under this title.  Best friends.  There, a rainbow of possibilities too.  In my ideal, it's different for us than it is between us now.  More like the love & laughs end of the spectrum, and not this painful, awkward distance state of exile.

I have an instant to vent in, and when I reach for the phone, you're the person that I want to call.  But, I don't call.  Too many times I called, and you didn't answer.  Little disconnects come to seem like little rejections, over time. 

I'm so ambivalent.  Sometimes, I just chuckle and throw up my hands and just entrust it to the Universe.  Sometimes, I'm in my "little me", and I can't seem to catch the tears before they fall. 

It's just so damn weird.  You put time, love, & efforts into friendships & familial relations, and still they can get all jacked up into twisted versions of their former selves.  Somewhere, step by steps again, we took a wrong turn.  You're off, being the hands of feet of Jesus, and I'm trying to practice what Jesus taught and not judge.  And we each have our lessons in our oddly parallel tracks.  And you're off, living the life of "either I'm obsessed or it's dead to me" and I'm trying to find a comfortable chair in your dead zone. 

So, where does that leave me?  Wrestling with my metaphysical strivings toward acceptance that, YES, this is indeed too also Universal Flow.  There is God & expansion in this too.  I can see it's outline behind the veil, a gift yet to be revealed.  And so, I wait and try to forgive myself.

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