Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Project 137 - Day One

Project137 - Day One: 

What Do You Want to Leave Behind, After You Die?

Starting this off easy, are we? This question basically paralyzed me. Because? I don't know. For a long time (read: practically my whole life), I thought I knew. The answer seemed simple: leave behind a family that loves me, children, grandchildren, etc. 

Hm. Then, as I came to realize that children weren't going to be part of my equation, the answer that seemed to be "simple" became a lot less so. 

I have a scene in my head, where I'm walking on a path and my children, the ones I thought I'd have, walk beside me. Now, as I see the same path, the children are starting to get grainy and pixelated, projections of dreams that were mine when I was another me, the me that was so certain about "what's next". Now, the steps continue, the path stretches on, and the ghosts of the children of another's dreams grow fainter and fainter. 

Were they ever really my dreams? Or was it the dream of what I'm "supposed" to do, as dictated by the societal mores in which I've been steeped? How much of that dream was an echo of my mother's declarations, "you'll understand someday, when you have your own."

Some day, some day, and days marched by, and I marched along whistling the tune of progeny in certainty. The line will continue, some day.

These days, more often than I'm comfortable, I find myself thinking of a great tree, stretching its branches, offering shade and rest, but no fruit. No fruit.

What fruit can I offer the days to come, sweet sticky liquid to delight and nurture, to embrace and embolden on their journey without me? There are no baby birds in this nest. No tender wings stretching forth to embrace the sky and shadow the sun. That dream is revealing itself to be an eclipse of me, predicted and approached and now passing by in it's time. Too late for fruit now, too late and the shadow is gone. How will I shine now, I wonder?  

What do I want to leave behind? I'd love for someone to know I existed. Seems vanity to wish that my love might live on after me. Maybe not in the cherubic faces of future generations, but perhaps in the pages of a comforting tome, sitting in perfect patience, waiting to be the master that appears when the student is ready.

What Am I Waiting For? 

“For a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time to still be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life.”
-Alfred d'Souza
This quote really spoke to me, as it's much of what I, too, have been waiting for. Moving through the expectations of high school and then college. Trying to get out of debt, while incurring more. Entering corporate America. Finding my mate, getting married.

All the while, wrestled with this at times paralyzing anxiety that I'm screwing up, not getting it right, just not good enough dammit. Easing through some relationships in joy and fun. Pacing through others in challenge, being bled by 1000 cuts until they left me or I them.

Throughout, exploring and embracing the ebb and flow of my spiritual life, getting ordained in the process. Then taking that ordination and trying to figure out how to be in the world.

In more recent years, I've been waiting for the right moment, that space of readiness for the next expected step of being human - procreating. Waiting and waiting, until I realized that maybe I don't want that. And working now to be at peace with that, envisioning how my life might look, since it will look completely different. A path of creation (not "pro") all my own.

What am I waiting for? I'm waiting for a new dream to emerge. Waiting to see the future me that isn't the one others tell me I'm supposed to be. I'm supposed to mother something, birth something, but it isn't a tiny person of my own. The labor will perhaps be a legacy of love in script or something yet unimagined. The beginnings of a new me, it's grainy and pixelated, forming more clearly yet still undefined. I'm excited to see what I dream for myself, instead of flowing toward a dream of me given by another. It was an ill-fitted suit, a skin not my own that I'm glad to leave behind.

Project 137

I am beginning Project137 today, and in true procrastinator style, I'm about seven days behind. What can I say? Charlottesville happened. The eclipse happened. My tendency to be avoidant happened.

I started off strong, but then the first writing prompt happened.

"What do you want to leave behind when you die?"

Lord. HELP ME.

Sunday, February 14, 2016

Today's Blackout


C'mon, wake up, my friend!
My words go out into the world
To touch, a random smile,
A life of its own.

And more, potential
Is a window in the right direction,
As beautiful as possible.

Today's Youku:"Ultimate"

Turns my frown upside
When I feel unlovable
He's the ultimate.

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Blackout

Have you ever heard of "blackout poetry"? I hadn't until recently. My dear hubs sent me a link and told me that he thought I'd be good at it. Time passed, and the link remained unviewed. So, he asked me again when I was feeling sad this week and urged me to give it a try.

He really does know me so well. He knows that I need a creative outlet. He knows, even when I am too modest to claim it, that I'm good with words. I have a poetic heart. (After lots of therapy, I'm getting closer to the place where I can say that without sarcastic laughter.) 

Words and I get along. :-)

So, blackout poetry is where you take something already written, such as a page from a book, newspaper, or in the case, a magazine. You select the message you'd like to express (or perhaps it chooses you?), and you black out the rest. 

Here's my first attempt. Hubs said it's long compared to what's usually done, but... it's my first attempt. It is what it was meant to be, I suppose. 




"I align with the life of the God in all.
I love to be present in the moment.

I'm witnessing the dawn of me.
I live in faith that just BEING is Grace.

My prayers right now, receive
and touch a mystery, a wilderness
of human experience.

They are all real."


Thursday, January 28, 2016

Today's Youku: "Beautiful"

Yes, I've got extra
curves, words, heart, smarts, sass and ass
And, I'm beautiful.

Today's Youku: "Mesh"

"Mesh", he said sweetly
One of many inside jokes
That mean, "I love you."

Monday, January 25, 2016

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Thursday, January 14, 2016

Seeds

How are we cultivating the grounds of our hearts? God dreams bigger for us than we do for ourselves. "I dreamed myself a journalist once, when I'm meant to inscribe the truth of who I AM on the walls of my own soul."  heart emoticon

Seeds

Before, I dreamed of tomorrows
That have not yet become todays
I wonder which seeds, joys or sorrows
Were past planted, took root, and might stay.
Did I sow those seeds in better times
In dreams, and trust, and bliss
Or buried my essence with darker thoughts
And with faithless heart, insist.
One day, each seed in the heart blooms
Called forth and nurtured by breath
Revealed in their truth, they demand
A life before their own death.
Today, I choose a new dream
Scatter fresh seeds to sacred ground
In a fertile heart of hopefulness
And await a great joy to abound.
So bring on the rains of my gladness
To wash from me stains of all doubt
For my dreams today call forth Beauty
Letting this Love in my heart ring out.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Cake

If life is like cake
May yours be sweetened with joy
And frosted with love.

Plans

So easy to plan
Yes, I shall do this or that
We plan, and God laughs.

Saturday, January 9, 2016

One of the Good Ones

Superb. Only word 
That captures the day I've had.
I only have thanks.

Making His Bed

One of my favorite sounds? A dog working so hard to "make his bed".

Dog, go make your bed,
Now tussle, wrestle blankets.
One snort says he's done.

Thursday, January 7, 2016

Good Night

Tired, my peepers
My bed is there, whispering 
Goodnight, my good day.

Sorry, Not Sorry

I really love this. Like, really really love this. I saw it a while back, and I keep thinking about it.
I recognize that I've historically walked around in my life doing exactly this, apologizing for so much, when what I'm really trying to do is say "Thank You".
At times, it feels like I'm apologizing for my very existence, for taxing the folks around me with my various and sundry needs, my ups and downs, my presence and absence in your life.
I'm certain this stems from this faulty belief that I am not enough (good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, kind enough, patient enough, wealthy enough, blah blah blah.)
I call BULLSHIT on myself. No more apologizing for not being enough. I am enough; in fact, I'm MORE than enough! (And SO ARE YOU, by the way.)
I say THANK YOU for calling me on it, should I forget. And I say THANK YOU for your patience, understanding, and love.
Consider yourself hugged. heart emoticon

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Peas

Snuggled so sweetly
Two peas in their little pod
I love these damn dogs.

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Birdie

Chirping, in its nest
Happy, its little greeting
Hello, feathered friend.

Monday, January 4, 2016

Onward

Monday came too soon
Holidays all packed away
Life, full steam ahead.

Monday, December 28, 2015

Random Input Welcome

What's my writing assignment for this evening? Need something consider, decipher, or otherwise ponder.

Guess I'll also think on it and come back to you.

Monday, February 2, 2015

God Speaks

God Speaks
I sow the seed in fertile ground
where angels came to play
I listen to the unique sound
my soul came here to say

I travel miles upon this Earth
with friends, sometimes alone
I often wonder do I birth
a gift that's all my own

God speaks to me in vibrant dreams
and teaches me my song
in stillness as my tears do stream
I had the answers all along.

- DG (2012)


I found this old poem that I had forgotten I'd written, loved it all over again, so had to post here.

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Monday, January 26, 2015

Saturday, January 17, 2015

You Know You Want This Too

♡♡♡ I want more. More of you, more hugs and love and smiles and laughing so hard we snort. I want it all for us, by us, in front of us, welling up from inside of us. LOVE. That's where it lives, there inside, love. And our phones and computers and FB walls just aren't big enough to capture the totality of that there inside you, me, we, us. Come sit by me, I wanna hug my story into you and laugh yours into me and CONNECT. Connection is what matters. It's all there is, was, or should be. Connection is the TRUTH of us, TRUTH OF LOVE. Truth in our oneness, my dear traveling companions. Dont you want that too? ♡♡♡

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Friday, December 26, 2014

Just Pondering...

It's amazing how many people will not return a smile, and the special joy when someone DOES. Unexpected energy between strangers, happy to have a momentary connection. Faces alit with the shine of our brotherhood.

Sunday, December 14, 2014

Reflecting

Reflecting on my Christmas tree. Twinkling lights and so many ornaments of meaning. God, I am so thankful for this contented heart, in this moment, in the center of much discord in my life. I give thanks for the many blessings of reason and love and friendship that show up in perfect timing. I give thanks for this feeling right now, which allows me to see past the sadness, offers strength when I am so weary, walking on to a new day. All is well, all is well, all manner of things are well. TYG!

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Inside

I see me in you
Greater still to seek the place
I see you in me.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Lazy Sunday

Rain is pattering
Lightning crackles arc the sky
Time for books and tea.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Again

Oh, insomnia
Brain bubbling, toiling, wakeful
Go on, hamster, run.

Saturday, November 1, 2014

In the Air

It whispered to me
The wind, it told me it's tales
Of cold nights to come.

Friday, October 31, 2014

Distance

I can allow people in my life to distance themselves from me, without automatically assuming that it's about me and something I did wrong. That just makes room for more GOOD to flow into my life! The actions of others do not define my self-worth. I am loved always. ♡♡♡

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Focus

So much to get done
Working hard to finish this
OOOH! Something shiny!

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Engaged

Cheers to your love, dears
Celebrate your life, full of
Possibilities.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Finally

Frosty in the air
My breath a sigh of relief
YES, Friday is here!

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

New Beginnings

The light comes anew
Pure potential unfurling
Spangled with rainbows.

Friday, September 26, 2014

Soon

The leaves, tipped in red
A prelude to glorious
Autumn explosion.

SMH

Can't open that box?
Honey, don't use a dog bone
Here are some scissors.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Finally

The breeze swept cooly
Across the back of my neck
So thankful for Fall.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Friday, September 5, 2014

Grateful


I'm just so grateful. My life ain't perfect, but it's filled with people and moments that just make me sit back and say, "Thank You God for all the Good that flows into my life."
Too often, I take it for granted, getting focused on stuff that really just isn't that important ("do these pants make me look fat?"), or distracted by things that are "off my yoga mat" (meaning: out of my control or not mine to do.)

I have LOVE, and that's all that really matters in the end. So, here I am, just being me, loving you just being you, and just saying THANK YOU for all the many blessings. Too many to count.

*hugs and love*

Relief

Muggy summer night
Happily then, I realize
Fall comes next, Thank God!

Humbled

I'm just so grateful. My life ain't perfect, but it's filled with people and moments that just make me sit back and say, "Thank You God for all the Good that flows into my life."

Too often, I take it for granted, getting focused on stuff that really just isn't that important ("do these pants make me look fat?"), or distracted by things that are "off my yoga mat" (meaning: out of my control or not mine to do.)

I have LOVE, and that's all that really matters in the end. So, he...re I am, just being me, loving you just being you, and just saying THANK YOU for all the many blessings. Too many to count.
*hugs and love*