Pennies of Prosperity Consciousness

                "11, 12, 13, 14…"  I sifted through my change purse, which was getting heavy with pennies.  I pulled out exact change for my lunch, handing a few singles and this fist full of change over to the drive-thru attendee while at the same time, mumbling an apology.  "Sorry for all the pennies…"  As I drove away, I realized that this wasn't the first time that I had said that to someone.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I do it almost every time.  "Sorry for the pennies." 

 

                Why am I apologizing?  Aren't pennies legal currency?  Don't 50 of them have the same purchasing power as two shiny silver quarters, which will pay my toll on 400 to Inner Quest? I don't apologize for quarters, so why pennies?  Hm.                 

 

                A penny is the smallest value coin, but there is power of attainment in it nonetheless.  Somewhere along the way though, I started seeing them as an embarrassing sign of poverty or lack. Huh?  I realized that I had been judging the penny as "less than", even though it too is a tool to get what I want.  Come to think of it… a penny, however humble, is just like the little efforts we make in our lives to manifest the desires of our heart.  Then it hit me that I have been judging my small efforts too!                 

 

-Going for a walk ("but it's not a long walk, which is what I really should be doing")…               

-Meditate for 10 minutes ("but I should be meditating for an hour")…               

-Losing a pound ("but it should have been two pounds")…               

-Showing up for God on a Sunday ("but I really should be going on Tuesdays too)…                

 

              In the face of my over-arching life goals, these efforts can seem like only drops in the bucket. Spirit nudged me to flip the coin of my perspective!  Small efforts over time can equal big results, and they should not be discounted!  After all, we have to start somewhere… Step by step, minute by minute, pound by pound, Sunday by Sunday, we get to where we want to be.  I shouldn't judge those small efforts as less than perfectly enough.  I am perfectly enough.  Just like those pennies were perfectly enough to buy my lunch that day.

 

 

Love and blessings,

 

d

God Moment

Confession of the Day:  I'm not always great at listening to guidance.  I'm not talking about when a friend or family member gives you advice.  I'm talking about that "small still voice" that whispers the wisdom that is needed in the moment.  "Slow down as you come over this hill."  (Bam, there's a speed trap!)  "Check the nuts, they are about to burn."  (Aha!  Perfectly toasted!)  "Be careful what you say to this person."  (Later a story of betrayal.)

It's hit or miss.  Sometimes I listen, sometimes I don't.  I usually regret it when I don't.  I think that guidance, intuition is actually Guidance with a capital "G".  The Universe's way (or God's way) of directing you on your path.

Ya Gotta Start Somewhere

I have stacks of journals.  Stacks and stacks of them.  And I'm pretty damn sure that all of them are unfinished.  I like to write, but secretly think that someone will read what I write and be horrified or judgmental or just plain bored.  But, this kind of writing, the one where you pick up a pen or commit to your keystrokes should solely be about me.  Whatever genius or nonsense or bullshit I've got to pontificate in the moment.

Amongst the stacks of unfinished journals, I've also got books of topics with pages for suggestions of things you might want to write about... (Yes, I paid money for these as well)
Where do I start?  Beginning to end, end to beginning, or strictly at random?  Shit.  (Just pick something, and write about it, and see where it takes you!)  Ok, here goes...

Question:  Who do you admire and why?

admire:
– Verb (used with object)

1.  to regard with wonder, pleasure, or approval.

—Synonyms
1.  esteem, revere, venerate.

I admire my friend Geema.  She is fearless, beautiful, generous of heart, and funny as hell.  I admire that she will pack a bag, go to a foreign country on her own, and find new friends wherever she is.  She's like a magnet, drawing people with stories and open minds to her like a moth to a flame.

I love people, but have great social anxiety.  When at a party, I'm usually the wallflower, rather than dancing in the spotlight.  In my dreams, I dance freely, without care for what others think.  In reality, in a crowded place, I quickly retreat to the corners.  Because there's a better chance there that I'll be able to find out what your story is (and actually be able to hear you). 

Who do you admire and why?

d

A Writer Writes, Always

This is a line from a quirky 80's movie.  Can anyone guess?  Perhaps someone more famous than Billy Crystal said it before, but it's a line that has always stuck with me.  Am I a writer?  What makes a writer? 

A stream of consciousness poured out on paper?   I would have to say that I'm no writer then; because I've got stacks of journals enthusiastically begun that fizzle out and end up as sad testaments to my dreams of being a "writer".  If I am to be painfully honest, I must confess that if I continue tirelessly scribing every thought and whimsy and spastic emotion, that the inescapable truth will be revealed.  That, just because I write doesn't mean that I'm a writer.

Quizzically yours,

d

Hobbling toward Health

How do you take a metaphysical approach to weight loss? I just typed, "I'm at war with my fat rolls."  (Delete, delete, delete)  How can I expect to win a war with MYSELF? 

I feel like having a "What the Bleep Do We Know" moment, taking a bath and covering myself with hearts and flowers and the words "I LOVE YOU".  Of course that would require that I clean my tub (way overdue), and oh yeah, I'm currently too fat to fit comfortably in it anyway.  Showers of shame.  And so, I wrestle with my physicality, knowing all too well that my body reveals what I'd rather hide from all the world.  A life out of balance.

I want to be a harmonious reflection of the trifecta that is the human experience.  Body. Mind. Spirit.  In the healthy expression of all three, I will find my way HOME.

And so, today, I walk toward manifesting.  And so it is.

Daydreams

I keep thinking about babies.  Last night at prayer circle, I put in my first prayer about it.  I've thought about it plenty, but this was my first plea to God that I am easy on the path to a healthy pregnancy. 

A little light to lift the light of the whole.  How awesome.  And all the better if it has my eyes and my husband's beautiful skin. 

Love. 

Missing You

It's hard to miss you.  I get caught off-guard by it, in the most random of moments.  While I'm sitting in traffic, because for a long time that always seemed to be the best time to reach you. And now, we don't talk. 

Sometimes, it's hard to wish that you had a relationship with someone that you might never have.  Sisters.  A rainbow of relationships resides under this title.  Best friends.  There, a rainbow of possibilities too.  In my ideal, it's different for us than it is between us now.  More like the love & laughs end of the spectrum, and not this painful, awkward distance state of exile.

I have an instant to vent in, and when I reach for the phone, you're the person that I want to call.  But, I don't call.  Too many times I called, and you didn't answer.  Little disconnects come to seem like little rejections, over time. 

I'm so ambivalent.  Sometimes, I just chuckle and throw up my hands and just entrust it to the Universe.  Sometimes, I'm in my "little me", and I can't seem to catch the tears before they fall. 

It's just so damn weird.  You put time, love, & efforts into friendships & familial relations, and still they can get all jacked up into twisted versions of their former selves.  Somewhere, step by steps again, we took a wrong turn.  You're off, being the hands of feet of Jesus, and I'm trying to practice what Jesus taught and not judge.  And we each have our lessons in our oddly parallel tracks.  And you're off, living the life of "either I'm obsessed or it's dead to me" and I'm trying to find a comfortable chair in your dead zone. 

So, where does that leave me?  Wrestling with my metaphysical strivings toward acceptance that, YES, this is indeed too also Universal Flow.  There is God & expansion in this too.  I can see it's outline behind the veil, a gift yet to be revealed.  And so, I wait and try to forgive myself.

Love Letter to the Part of Me that is You

Dearests,

I've known you for 30 years this month.  Thirty.  That's 5 years shy of how long I've been alive.  Our journey includes a trip through every major happenstance in my life thus far.  When I look at my life, there is no six degrees of separation.  Within every one degree of most of the pivotal moments of me, there is you.

I remember:

• Meeting you, and how you didn't like me until I mentioned you in Show & Tell.  "I'm moving to HER neighborhood!"
• The school bus ride where you told me about how AWESOME Boy George was. (A sign surely, and one I missed completely for years.)
• The adventures of Brownies:  Selling cookies; your Mom making our little Polish girl outfits; crafting ornaments that still hang from my Dad's Christmas tree. Crossing over the bridge & never going back.
• Our great plans for the bus stop
• Tinky
• Walks at the railroad tracks
• Shaw Park
• Swimming.  Lessons & Angie's bellyflops.  Playing mermaids (in your case, MerMen)
• The scar from the recorder I didn't want to give back.
• Stinky jelly shoes
• Talent shows & parachute pants
• Monkey bread
• Trip to Helen and all the crappy "grab bags"
• Trampolines, naughty magazines at Jenny & Jill's
• The guilt of the Hello Kitty Pen (my earliest transgression)
• Singing "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"
• Skating outfits at the roller rink
• Our Club Jackets
• Broken crayons
• Saying goodbye as we both moved away
• Then letters and calls and summer trips through chicken-farming country
• Borrowed dresses for church
• Getting saved, then baptized together
• Zelda & Castlevania
• Seeing the naked guy in his house window while sneaking to use his dock
• Scaring the pervert at the lake
• My first kiss at White Water
• Kissing boys, talking about kissing boys (then NOT kissing boys)
• Dorothy stepping on sausage
• Drops of Love
• Seeking & finding comfort in your friendship, through the awkward stage of middle school
• "Hesh-o?  Heeeeeshhhhhhohhhhh??"
• Mixed tapes
• Our crazy Moms
• Leftover pizza crusts
• Peace earrings & the five-finger-discount (a contradiction indeed)
• Trips to the lake with my Dad
• Coming to visit & have lunch with you guys in High School
• Twisted senses of humor
• How tan you both liked to be; HOURS at the neighborhood pool
• "The Tick"
• Going away to college, and you both going to Australia
• Missing you so much
• The happiness when you came back
• The greater joy when you came to UGA
• Being inseparable
• You both coming out to me
• Zimas and Flavine
• Living together - My room in the dining room
• Drags shows and cigarettes
• Pool nuggets
• Foxes
• Tattoos & Piercings (decorating our temples)
• Jumping the fence (and falling and scarring myself permanently)
• Tripping
• Falling
• Talking
• Dancing
• Losing hours & gaining perspective
• Blue waves on the wall
• Skipping class
• Music everywhere
• 40's
• Bass reverb in the Honda
• PRIDE Colors
• Crazy girlfriends
• More crazy girlfriends
• Breakups
• Makeups
• Baby Kool-aid
• Baby Greene
• Baby Shug
• Leaving Athens
• Drums & dreams of superstardom
• Long drives in the car
• Together again in Atlanta!
• Living together - My room in "the Bar"
• Stolen pepperoni balls
• Smoke haze & perceptive conversations
• Falling into holes
• Watching you fall in love
• Watching you fall out of love
• Watching her go crazy
• Art, art, art, and more art
• Watching your genius blossom in paint
• Being there for each other
• My procedure
• Not being there for each other
• Forgiveness
• Death of little dreams
• Death of a little dog
• Did I mention crazy girlfriends???
• Circling back to ideas of God, the Universe & expansion
• Expanding on that on our own
• Telling each other everything
• Learning discernment on what not to share
• My wedding
• Growing up, growing older, growing wiser
• Growing together, then stepping apart to grow on our own.

I recognize the beautiful rhythm of energy in the Universe. Sometimes we are in FLOW, expression, action. Sometimes we are in EBB, rest, reflection. All the time, we are connected; tied to one another by bonds of love that weave through the tapestry of our lives. I honor where you are. I honor where I am. I miss you, nonetheless.

As great my admiration and how deep my love runs, there has also been the shadows of pain and misunderstanding, because yes, even the best of friends can miss seeing eye-to-eye. In the grand pirouette of my life, some moments we've been ahead, some behind, some shoulder-to-shoulder, and some on different paths all together. I've laughed and cheered with you; I've cried with you; I've vented and boiled over, hugged and dreamed and planned the sheer greatness of my ordinariness. And always, always, always, I've held you in my heart.

I look forward to adding more memories to this list.  And I trust that in time, it will be so.